Holy Crap…
…Was I this messed up about school at the beginning of last semester?
I honestly don’t remember. I think I must have been. I think I must be this messed up about any new thing I do. I’m just so afraid to make the wrong decision, so I don’t feel good about any decisions I make, ever. I think too much. And I doubt myself too much. And I’m tired of Tallahassee.
Here is a list of things I could be doing right now instead of getting my Master’s.
1. Racking up debt traveling around the world (instead of racking up debt living in Tallahassee)
2. Start work so I can build up my CV
3. Move to Austin or Chicago and then start work
4. Just get the 12-hour Publishing Certificate because I think it’s probably what I wan to do anyway instead of getting some degree that I will probably never use
5. Work all summer instead of going to pedagogy bootcamp. So I can save up money and start getting rid of my credit card debt. Even though when I had the whole first half of the summer to do it, I totally couldn’t bring myself to stay at my job longer than 7 hours
6. Start writing at home. Doing freelance stuff or just stuff for me. I could even edit that whole stupid book I wrote.
I think all of these things constantly. And there is no reason why I can’t do some of them while I’m working on my Master’s. But whenever I start to think, man, I just want to bail, I hate this shit, I don’t want to be an academic, I’m not cut out for this, an image of my grandmother pops into my head. My grandmother who was so happy for me when I got in, and has so much faith in me. And I start to have a little faith in myself. And I think about the sense of accomplishment that my Aunt Jane talked about feeling when she finished her Masters and I really want to feel that. I really want to have accomplished something like this in my life. So here are some more reasons why I’m going to finish my stupid Master’s
1. Eventually, this pedagogy boot camp crap will pay my tuition and give me a stipend. Also, it will give me teaching experience.
2. Aformentioned Grandmother pride and Aunt accomplishment.
3. Postponment of real life responsibility
4. I really, actually, like to learn. I like to know new things and dig in and explore the things that interest me.
5. This shit will have to get me more money when I graduate, right?
6. I don’t want to be the only one of my friends without an advanced degree (hey, I’m being honest!)
7. I don’t want to quit something because I’m scared. I want to surprise myself. And prove to myself that I can do something really difficult.
Also, 8. Being at school all day means that I can only go to my job in hour and two-hour increments.
So that’s that, I guess. I’m just ready to get it done.
